checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
