my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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