she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
