Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
