i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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