my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
