Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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