sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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