We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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