I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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