dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
