remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
