His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
