im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
