i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
