Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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