I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
