You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
