I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
