that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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