hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
