The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
