The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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