If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
