I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
