Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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