I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
