I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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