i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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