Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
