I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
