I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
