Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
