I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
