if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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