I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
