My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's shark week go big or go home
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
