I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
