remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
