Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
