I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
