Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I will be naked everywhere
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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