I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
