FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
