New invention idea: vibrating tampons
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
