nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Michael Bay diarrhea
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
