Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
