I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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