I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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