Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
